Judgment Call
This part of the OS of being a leader is often the most difficult. Andy Stanley's series, Judgment Call, is a tremendously helpful tool to process how we as leaders face the reality that we'll have to have hard conversations when we see folks headed in a direction that will result in heartache and pain. Here is a description of the series:
Most of us are familiar with Jesus' instructions not to judge others. But what exactly did He mean? Are we supposed to look away when a close friend or family member is doing something dishonest or immoral? Are there times when it is wrong not to judge? In this 4-part series, Andy Stanley tackles this confusing and often misunderstood topic. We learn the steps to take before confronting others and how to react when someone judges us.
To watch the messages click here. The notes for each message are found below.
Most of us are familiar with Jesus' instructions not to judge others. But what exactly did He mean? Are we supposed to look away when a close friend or family member is doing something dishonest or immoral? Are there times when it is wrong not to judge? In this 4-part series, Andy Stanley tackles this confusing and often misunderstood topic. We learn the steps to take before confronting others and how to react when someone judges us.
To watch the messages click here. The notes for each message are found below.
Part 1
Nobody wants to be judged. Just thinking about people forming an opinion of you and looking down on you brings up bad memories and unpleasant emotions. But as Christians, what are we to do when we see someone clearly in the wrong? Are we just to sit and watch them make the same poor decisions for fear of coming across as judgmental? In this session we'll discuss what our responsibility is when we see something in someone else's life that we know isn't right.
Why do we find it so easy to judge others? Is it ever appropriate to confront someone about sin?
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:1-5 (NIV)
1. When have you felt judged? How did it make you feel? How did you react? When have you found yourself judging someone else in the past (i.e. their clothes, their job performance, their choices)?
2. Why are we so tempted to judge others? Where does that tendency come from?
3. When we judge others it will come back to us in the same way and with the same weight. How do you want to be judged by others and by God? How should this impact how you judge others?
4. Why is it that we can clearly see what is wrong with someone else, but it is so hard for us to see our own faults?
5. When you are tempted to judge someone else, you need to stop and look at the same issue in your life. As you think about where you are tempted to judge people, what issue in your life could God be calling you to address?
Have you felt judged by someone recently? If someone confronts you about an issue in your life, they aren’t necessarily being judgmental; they may be sticking their nose into your life because they love you. What could you be missing out on by not listening? When you come to terms with the sin in your life it makes you a perfect candidate to address the sin in someone else's life. How can you put this into practice in your life and leadership?
Nobody wants to be judged. Just thinking about people forming an opinion of you and looking down on you brings up bad memories and unpleasant emotions. But as Christians, what are we to do when we see someone clearly in the wrong? Are we just to sit and watch them make the same poor decisions for fear of coming across as judgmental? In this session we'll discuss what our responsibility is when we see something in someone else's life that we know isn't right.
Why do we find it so easy to judge others? Is it ever appropriate to confront someone about sin?
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:1-5 (NIV)
1. When have you felt judged? How did it make you feel? How did you react? When have you found yourself judging someone else in the past (i.e. their clothes, their job performance, their choices)?
2. Why are we so tempted to judge others? Where does that tendency come from?
3. When we judge others it will come back to us in the same way and with the same weight. How do you want to be judged by others and by God? How should this impact how you judge others?
4. Why is it that we can clearly see what is wrong with someone else, but it is so hard for us to see our own faults?
5. When you are tempted to judge someone else, you need to stop and look at the same issue in your life. As you think about where you are tempted to judge people, what issue in your life could God be calling you to address?
Have you felt judged by someone recently? If someone confronts you about an issue in your life, they aren’t necessarily being judgmental; they may be sticking their nose into your life because they love you. What could you be missing out on by not listening? When you come to terms with the sin in your life it makes you a perfect candidate to address the sin in someone else's life. How can you put this into practice in your life and leadership?
Part 2
How are we supposed to love others and judge them at the same time? As we continue to sort out this somewhat confusing topic, we are going to look at a case study in a first century church. We will see how the teaching of Jesus on this subject was actually applied then and how we should apply it in the church today.
Are we supposed to turn a blind eye to sin – or it is appropriate to confront others? Judging is sometimes the loving thing to do. That's what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 5:1-13 ...
“It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father's wife. 2 And you are proud! Shouldn't you rather have been filled with grief and have put out of your fellowship the man who did this? 3 Even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. And I have already passed judgment on the one who did this, just as if I were present. 4 When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, 5 hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord. 6 Your boasting is not good. Don't you know that a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough? 7 Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast--as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. 8 Therefore let us keep the Festival, not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness, but with bread without yeast, the bread of sincerity and truth. 9 I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people-- 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you.” 1 Corinthians 5:1-13 (NIV)
1. What would have been the result if the church had continued to ignore this man's behavior?
2. What are the consequences when we don't judge our fellow Christians?
3. As a Christian, what does it look like for you to judge another Christian?
4. What are the benefits of judging other Christians?
5. Why are there two different standards for judging—one for Christians and one for those who are not Christians?
6. What is usually the result when Christians attempt to judge those outside the church?
Who is a Christian in your life headed in the wrong direction? What is your responsibility to him or her? What will you do to help this person get back on the right track?
How are we supposed to love others and judge them at the same time? As we continue to sort out this somewhat confusing topic, we are going to look at a case study in a first century church. We will see how the teaching of Jesus on this subject was actually applied then and how we should apply it in the church today.
Are we supposed to turn a blind eye to sin – or it is appropriate to confront others? Judging is sometimes the loving thing to do. That's what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 5:1-13 ...
“It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father's wife. 2 And you are proud! Shouldn't you rather have been filled with grief and have put out of your fellowship the man who did this? 3 Even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. And I have already passed judgment on the one who did this, just as if I were present. 4 When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, 5 hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord. 6 Your boasting is not good. Don't you know that a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough? 7 Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast--as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. 8 Therefore let us keep the Festival, not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness, but with bread without yeast, the bread of sincerity and truth. 9 I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people-- 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you.” 1 Corinthians 5:1-13 (NIV)
1. What would have been the result if the church had continued to ignore this man's behavior?
2. What are the consequences when we don't judge our fellow Christians?
3. As a Christian, what does it look like for you to judge another Christian?
4. What are the benefits of judging other Christians?
5. Why are there two different standards for judging—one for Christians and one for those who are not Christians?
6. What is usually the result when Christians attempt to judge those outside the church?
Who is a Christian in your life headed in the wrong direction? What is your responsibility to him or her? What will you do to help this person get back on the right track?
Part 3
What are you supposed to do when you see someone going the wrong way? Many would tell you to not “judge,” but are you really supposed to sit back and do nothing? Could it be that judging others, when approached the right way, is actually an extension of the activity of God in another person’s life?
“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13 And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14 In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost. 15 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:12-17 (NIV)
1. What are situations in which you would stop what you were doing and search for something that was lost?
2. When have you lost something of value? What lengths did you go to in order to find it? What did it mean when you found it?
3. How have you seen God bring you back when you went astray?
4. What is your responsibility when you see someone in your life going astray?
5. Why is it wise to bring others with you if the person doesn’t listen to you the first time? How far would you be willing to go in order to bring him/her back?
6. After you have done everything in your power, what should you do if he/she still doesn’t listen?
Have you done everything in your power to bring someone back? What will you do to help someone get back on the right track?
Judging others, when approached the right way, can actually be an extension of God’s work in someone else’s life. We may be tempted to look the other way, but true love involves stepping out of our comfort zones to rescue fellow believers in need. So don’t just stand there. Do something!
What are you supposed to do when you see someone going the wrong way? Many would tell you to not “judge,” but are you really supposed to sit back and do nothing? Could it be that judging others, when approached the right way, is actually an extension of the activity of God in another person’s life?
“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13 And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14 In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost. 15 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:12-17 (NIV)
1. What are situations in which you would stop what you were doing and search for something that was lost?
2. When have you lost something of value? What lengths did you go to in order to find it? What did it mean when you found it?
3. How have you seen God bring you back when you went astray?
4. What is your responsibility when you see someone in your life going astray?
5. Why is it wise to bring others with you if the person doesn’t listen to you the first time? How far would you be willing to go in order to bring him/her back?
6. After you have done everything in your power, what should you do if he/she still doesn’t listen?
Have you done everything in your power to bring someone back? What will you do to help someone get back on the right track?
Judging others, when approached the right way, can actually be an extension of God’s work in someone else’s life. We may be tempted to look the other way, but true love involves stepping out of our comfort zones to rescue fellow believers in need. So don’t just stand there. Do something!
Part 4
What do you do with the people who judge you? The tendency, of course, is to respond in kind and write them off. But that would drag you down to their level. So what are you to do? One of the great things about being a follower of Christ is that we do have an alternative. And this is not only something Jesus spoke about—this is something He personally dealt with.
What should you do when someone misjudges you? Revenge is tempting. Refusing to respond at all seems fair. But Jesus taught an alternative response that – if applied to our own lives – will make a dramatic difference in how we react to the unjust criticism of others.
“When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals--one on his right, the other on his left. 34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. 35 The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One.” 36 The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar 37 and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.” 38 There was a written notice above him, which read: THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS. 39 One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Christ? Save yourself and us!” 40 But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41 We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” 42 Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” 43 Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23:33-43 (NIV)
1. When in your life have you felt judged? What opinion was formed of you?
2. How does being judged affect you?
3. How did Jesus experience judgment first hand?
4. What was Jesus’ response to the judgment He received? Why should our response be the same?
5. What would it look like for you to forgive and accept those who judge you?
“But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:35-36 (NIV)
6. How do we reflect God when we forgive and accept those who judge us?
Who is someone in your life who judges you? How does it impact this relationship? How will you forgive and accept this person this week?
What do you do with the people who judge you? The tendency, of course, is to respond in kind and write them off. But that would drag you down to their level. So what are you to do? One of the great things about being a follower of Christ is that we do have an alternative. And this is not only something Jesus spoke about—this is something He personally dealt with.
What should you do when someone misjudges you? Revenge is tempting. Refusing to respond at all seems fair. But Jesus taught an alternative response that – if applied to our own lives – will make a dramatic difference in how we react to the unjust criticism of others.
“When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals--one on his right, the other on his left. 34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. 35 The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One.” 36 The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar 37 and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.” 38 There was a written notice above him, which read: THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS. 39 One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Christ? Save yourself and us!” 40 But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41 We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” 42 Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” 43 Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23:33-43 (NIV)
1. When in your life have you felt judged? What opinion was formed of you?
2. How does being judged affect you?
3. How did Jesus experience judgment first hand?
4. What was Jesus’ response to the judgment He received? Why should our response be the same?
5. What would it look like for you to forgive and accept those who judge you?
“But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:35-36 (NIV)
6. How do we reflect God when we forgive and accept those who judge us?
Who is someone in your life who judges you? How does it impact this relationship? How will you forgive and accept this person this week?
Grace & Truth
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14
I thank God for grace. And I thank Him for truth. If it weren’t for His grace, the truth would condemn me. But if it weren’t for the truth, His grace would have no power to change me.
But that’s not just true with me on a personal level. I think it should also dictate our approach to preaching and engaging people on a corporate level.
If you look at how Jesus talked and interacted with people, it’s clear that he held the two in tension. What made Jesus so special was that he didn’t minimize God’s truth. But at the same time he was a friend of sinners who maximized the opportunity for anyone to find grace.
The Church, on the other hand, often minimizes and maximizes one or the other.
Many churches only emphasize grace. They never call people on their sin. They shy away from confrontation. They don’t take stands on tough issues.
The result is that they miss the truth about grace. They forget that grace is power. It is power to save and to transform. To cover all of our sins and remove them from our lives. As I’ve said before, grace isn’t just a cheap perfume you splash on to cover the stench of your sins. It’s the power to change your life from the inside out.
Other churches only emphasize truth. They will take stands, but take them on top of people rather than on God’s word and the cross. They will teach a 37-week series on grace, but forget to give any out to the people who need it the most.
The result is that they strip grace from the truth. They forget that graceless truth might be the worst watered-down truth of all, because it has been neutered of its life-giving power. Truth isn’t meant to only be proclaimed; it’s also meant to be invited into. And that only happens when it is seasoned and saturated in grace.
I want Elevation to be a church that’s all about grace and truth. I want that for every church. Let’s commit to get all up in our people’s business with truth. But let’s also commit to do it in a way that’s full of grace.
Let’s be like Jesus.
Blog entry from Steven Furtick; originally posted September 7th, 2011.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14
I thank God for grace. And I thank Him for truth. If it weren’t for His grace, the truth would condemn me. But if it weren’t for the truth, His grace would have no power to change me.
But that’s not just true with me on a personal level. I think it should also dictate our approach to preaching and engaging people on a corporate level.
If you look at how Jesus talked and interacted with people, it’s clear that he held the two in tension. What made Jesus so special was that he didn’t minimize God’s truth. But at the same time he was a friend of sinners who maximized the opportunity for anyone to find grace.
The Church, on the other hand, often minimizes and maximizes one or the other.
Many churches only emphasize grace. They never call people on their sin. They shy away from confrontation. They don’t take stands on tough issues.
The result is that they miss the truth about grace. They forget that grace is power. It is power to save and to transform. To cover all of our sins and remove them from our lives. As I’ve said before, grace isn’t just a cheap perfume you splash on to cover the stench of your sins. It’s the power to change your life from the inside out.
Other churches only emphasize truth. They will take stands, but take them on top of people rather than on God’s word and the cross. They will teach a 37-week series on grace, but forget to give any out to the people who need it the most.
The result is that they strip grace from the truth. They forget that graceless truth might be the worst watered-down truth of all, because it has been neutered of its life-giving power. Truth isn’t meant to only be proclaimed; it’s also meant to be invited into. And that only happens when it is seasoned and saturated in grace.
I want Elevation to be a church that’s all about grace and truth. I want that for every church. Let’s commit to get all up in our people’s business with truth. But let’s also commit to do it in a way that’s full of grace.
Let’s be like Jesus.
Blog entry from Steven Furtick; originally posted September 7th, 2011.
Grace and truth work together in our development. Without grace we struggle to move past guilt and shame, live in God’s wide-open freedom, empathize with the pain of others, experience patience or peace, and accept others and ourselves as we are. We urgently need grace, but not an abridged version that doesn’t lead us to face the truth about our lives and our God. Gomer needed grace, yes, but she also needed truth.
If we embrace grace but push back on truth, we’ll remain stuck in our old cycles. Truth allows us to be honest with ourselves and others, to possess discernment, call sin “sin,” and have meaningful healing. We desperately need truth, and Hosea gives it to us like a right uppercut, but not deprived of grace. Truth without grace will leave us to wallow in guilt and condemnation.
The combination of grace and truth is life giving. We are all wounded in life and sometimes we’re tempted to see our wounds as justification for our behavior. Sin and our environment growing up damaged us. Some experienced explicit abuse while others endured subtler forms of neglect. When we are hurting, we tend to be self-focused and self-absorbed, oblivious of the ways our own pain is hurting those around us. We become blinded and distracted by our wounds and often feel like they give us a free pass.
Our culture steps in here and says the solution lies in simply building up our self-esteem. We need to love ourselves more and get back in touch with who we are. The challenge with this is it keeps things in our lives self-focused. The underlying belief is we haven’t naturally been making it all about us anyway!
The Biblical perspective is that our self-preoccupation is precisely part of the problem and our wounds have only exaggerated it even more. Hosea and Gomer would both have to confront extreme wounded-ness and betrayal. If they just turned inward to build up their self-esteem and stayed focused on themselves, it would be a recipe for disaster in their marriage.
Living with anyone for any period of time requires us to face our self-centeredness. We can excuse it and justify it, or we can begin to face the truth of God’s word, which says our self-centeredness and sin are at the root of the problem. We need the truth of the Bible to challenge our assumptions and address our sin and selfishness.
Of course we need self-esteem, but we also need more, something like God-esteem. We look outside ourselves to who God says we are; we trust in the finished work of Christ; we realize that our security and significance come from Him. With these truths in place, we are grounded to look within at our wounds and behaviors more honestly.
Gomer has gone back to unfaithfulness in her life again and again. Even after she leaves the life of prostitution behind, there will likely be countless compromises along the way. These compromises can show up in deceptive behavior, in lying about things she may not think really matter, in hiding the truth of her sin from herself and refusing to deal with it.
Especially when we come from brokenness, we often rationalize our compromises by thinking to ourselves, “At least I’m not doing what I used to do.” You receive grace and strength from God to overcome one destructive behavior, but getting below the behavior to what’s driving that behavioral pattern is a lifelong journey of discovery. There are no shortcuts.
Pride can enter as another compromise. Sometimes the most dangerous and critical people of faith are those who grow in their faith a year or two, experience a certain amount of healing, and then become angry and judgmental toward everyone else. They expect everyone else to get their act together and they forget all the years they were a train wreck!
Maturity involves experiencing grace and truth in one’s life, but it also includes living toward others with these same characteristics. People often excel at being either gracious or truthful. The gracious person tends to be accepting, quick to forgive, and ready to reconcile with others. They want to make things right. However, if truth is not in play as well, the grace-only person will be inclined to push “it” under the carpet, leave room to keep it bottled up inside, or pretend like injustice has never happened. Grace-only people will dismiss the problem instead of addressing it. Practically, this is the person who always makes excuses and refuses responsibility either for themselves or others. Second chances become a crutch.
The truth-only person tends to be ethical and up front when it comes to others. They want to make things right as well. Yet if grace is not in play, the truth-only person will focus on the issue to the extent they view people as problems. Truth-only people will hold ugly grudges, set unrealistic expectations, and often forget their own faults in their witch-hunts. They are often too forceful and inflammatory to fix the problems. Practically, this looks like someone who is impossible to please and hard to get along with. He is dogmatic and has to win every argument; her critical eye will never cut anybody slack.
The goal is to become people of both truth and grace. Maybe I’ve been watching the Food Network too much, but I believe we must season our grace with truth and soak our truth in grace.
Then, and only then, will we be able to have healthy and joyful interactions that reflect God’s character to a world desperately in need of Him.
So God desires more than just coming to faith and accepting forgiveness. It’s also about entering into a process of becoming like Christ. And it is a lifelong process both for us and toward others.
Wilhite, Jud (2013-02-05). Pursued: God's Divine Obsession with You (pp. 134-135)
If we embrace grace but push back on truth, we’ll remain stuck in our old cycles. Truth allows us to be honest with ourselves and others, to possess discernment, call sin “sin,” and have meaningful healing. We desperately need truth, and Hosea gives it to us like a right uppercut, but not deprived of grace. Truth without grace will leave us to wallow in guilt and condemnation.
The combination of grace and truth is life giving. We are all wounded in life and sometimes we’re tempted to see our wounds as justification for our behavior. Sin and our environment growing up damaged us. Some experienced explicit abuse while others endured subtler forms of neglect. When we are hurting, we tend to be self-focused and self-absorbed, oblivious of the ways our own pain is hurting those around us. We become blinded and distracted by our wounds and often feel like they give us a free pass.
Our culture steps in here and says the solution lies in simply building up our self-esteem. We need to love ourselves more and get back in touch with who we are. The challenge with this is it keeps things in our lives self-focused. The underlying belief is we haven’t naturally been making it all about us anyway!
The Biblical perspective is that our self-preoccupation is precisely part of the problem and our wounds have only exaggerated it even more. Hosea and Gomer would both have to confront extreme wounded-ness and betrayal. If they just turned inward to build up their self-esteem and stayed focused on themselves, it would be a recipe for disaster in their marriage.
Living with anyone for any period of time requires us to face our self-centeredness. We can excuse it and justify it, or we can begin to face the truth of God’s word, which says our self-centeredness and sin are at the root of the problem. We need the truth of the Bible to challenge our assumptions and address our sin and selfishness.
Of course we need self-esteem, but we also need more, something like God-esteem. We look outside ourselves to who God says we are; we trust in the finished work of Christ; we realize that our security and significance come from Him. With these truths in place, we are grounded to look within at our wounds and behaviors more honestly.
Gomer has gone back to unfaithfulness in her life again and again. Even after she leaves the life of prostitution behind, there will likely be countless compromises along the way. These compromises can show up in deceptive behavior, in lying about things she may not think really matter, in hiding the truth of her sin from herself and refusing to deal with it.
Especially when we come from brokenness, we often rationalize our compromises by thinking to ourselves, “At least I’m not doing what I used to do.” You receive grace and strength from God to overcome one destructive behavior, but getting below the behavior to what’s driving that behavioral pattern is a lifelong journey of discovery. There are no shortcuts.
Pride can enter as another compromise. Sometimes the most dangerous and critical people of faith are those who grow in their faith a year or two, experience a certain amount of healing, and then become angry and judgmental toward everyone else. They expect everyone else to get their act together and they forget all the years they were a train wreck!
Maturity involves experiencing grace and truth in one’s life, but it also includes living toward others with these same characteristics. People often excel at being either gracious or truthful. The gracious person tends to be accepting, quick to forgive, and ready to reconcile with others. They want to make things right. However, if truth is not in play as well, the grace-only person will be inclined to push “it” under the carpet, leave room to keep it bottled up inside, or pretend like injustice has never happened. Grace-only people will dismiss the problem instead of addressing it. Practically, this is the person who always makes excuses and refuses responsibility either for themselves or others. Second chances become a crutch.
The truth-only person tends to be ethical and up front when it comes to others. They want to make things right as well. Yet if grace is not in play, the truth-only person will focus on the issue to the extent they view people as problems. Truth-only people will hold ugly grudges, set unrealistic expectations, and often forget their own faults in their witch-hunts. They are often too forceful and inflammatory to fix the problems. Practically, this looks like someone who is impossible to please and hard to get along with. He is dogmatic and has to win every argument; her critical eye will never cut anybody slack.
The goal is to become people of both truth and grace. Maybe I’ve been watching the Food Network too much, but I believe we must season our grace with truth and soak our truth in grace.
Then, and only then, will we be able to have healthy and joyful interactions that reflect God’s character to a world desperately in need of Him.
So God desires more than just coming to faith and accepting forgiveness. It’s also about entering into a process of becoming like Christ. And it is a lifelong process both for us and toward others.
Wilhite, Jud (2013-02-05). Pursued: God's Divine Obsession with You (pp. 134-135)
For further content about judging others check out “Skeptics Wanted - Part 7 - Why On Earth Are Christians So Judgmental?” by Connexus Church on Vimeo.
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